TV Marriages... To Last or Not To Last

There I was sitting down in my humble living situation, contemplating whether I'm gonna renew my lease for another year or move on up to a Deluxe apartment on the east side when It hit me: There is a new trend in the air. But its not a cool trend. Its not like Espadrille sandals or Seersucker Jackets for the summer or even the color orange. No its got to do with celebrities and their marriages.

Maybe i'm the only observant one or maybe someone already saw this coming ages ago, but it seems every single celebrity marriage is on the brink of destruction [thats if it isnt already beyond redemption]. It seems there is a sure-fire formula that precipitates these situations.

Its been said before by many people that celebrity marriages never last. Maybe because they are both caught up in the high profile, papparazzi-avoiding, nightly party world and consider the marriages unworthy of the investment of love, time and a pinch of sense. But its been a countdown for every celebrity couple the moment they hook up. How long is it gonna take before they break up or someone cheats or something. Some marriages break up in hours...[Britney proved this].... some in months...[Kenny Chesney]... some in years and some struggle it out for a while before eventually succumbing.

Maybe its just the American way. We do have the highest divorce rate in the world. Sometimes, you have a better chance flipping a coin than you do getting married and hoping to stay together. It is what it is and I am not concerned with deciphering the intricacies of the American demographic. What I do want to share is the trend I've noticed and a warning to celebrities and individuals alike that choose to be risk-takers and invest in the flaky institution of marriage with as much as a hope for longevity.

You all might recall a certian TV show that started a few years ago. It had a good run. It featured a ditzy young blond with a penchant for innocence bordering on retardation with cutesy questions and blank disposition. On the flip side was a former high-school jock with attributes that many women found appealing, but who still retained a boyish charm that was, if anything, a tad endearing. The show chronicled most moments of their marriage; from the cute and adorable to the exhorbitant and quirky. Yeah, you guessed right. Newlyweds, Nick and Jessica. People thought this was the one couple that stood a chance at staying together. But what happened? D-i-v-o-r-c-e!!!

Fast forward to a similar show featuring Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra. This version was a lil more risque and a little less PG. He was a bad boy. She was a bad girl. They were both freaks... literally and metaphorically. But the col thing was, they were both attractive, both successful, both had a lot in common, and so people thought they stood a chance too. Naaaaaa! They are in the process of getting the union dissolved.

And then ofcourse we have the Barkers. East meets west. Good meets bad. Top meets bottom. Bad boy drummer. Miss USA. Tattoo junkie. TV star. Spiked hair. Lustrous blond hair. This was the most unusual couple but together, you could really see love in the air. He was transformed from the fist-fighting, swear-word-screaming, bottle-throwing alternative rocker to a caring and affectionate lover, fatehr and friend and she was his princess. Amongst many things, this couple reassured the American viewing public that sometimes you dont need the Harvard education or sports car or great looks to get the girl of your dreams. And boy did that idea get eaten up. But as soon as the show went off the air.... well... rumor has it they are separated and on the way to the land of Child support payments and alimony.

So what is the trend? What is my discovery or epic proportions? Its obvious. Putting your marriage on TV and letting the public be a part of your every day move is not quite the best decision you could make. The institution of marriage, [as best i know it] is a chance for two people to come together and share their lives with each other. Promising each other to be there for one another through the ups and downs and smiles and frowns and tears and scares and jolts and fears. The truth is there are so many people on the face of the earth and the life of one person amongst billions really means little. But by getting married, to someone you love and trust, you are promising that person that you will care and you will listen and you will praise and you will acknowledge every little event, and make sure that their life does not go unnoticed. And thats what makes marriages last.

But when the sanctity of marriage is violated and what should be a private encounter, becomes a public, free-for-all, all-access party, then it is only a while before the inevitable occurs. Somethings gonna run out. When a party was made for 2 and you invite everyone and their grandma, somethings bound to run out. And when it does, since Jesus cant turn one fish to 2000, people start looking elsewhere for whats missing. And then it happens.

So i guess the bottom line is this. If you want your marriage to last keep it off TV. Keep it away from friends and family and constant inteference. if yyou cant iron something out on your own, then see a marriage counsellor. Someone who isnt gonna use the information against you and who will actually offer advise without taking sides. Its your marriage, your life, your future and your peace of mind. So take thetime to invest in it for yourself. And dont make it a public spectacle! Or we'll see your shit on TV.. and laugh at it!

Why Oprah Can Be as Gay As She Desires

Some people just don't get it it seems. The other day while shopping for groceries to make my spaghetti bolognese [yeah, i do cook.. and extremely well too], I glanced over at the tabloids to see what was hot around me. In the midst of the claims that 'TomKat' faked a childbirth, and that 'Brangelina' were on the brink of a break-up, one headline stuck out. "Steadman claims Oprah and Gayle are gay". I chuckled to myself. It seems the people at tabloid.com seriously will put anything on a headline to get people shocked to the extent that they are forced to buy the papers. But let's review for a second...

Let's forget for a second, that Oprah... the great and caring Oprah... whose show I always watch when I can, has already come out publicly to refute these barbaric and insidious claims. Let's forget that I am writing this post, and have already publicly proclaimed my love for Oprah and my wish to be her footstool, (for a reasonable compensation of-course). Let's forget that Oprah is one of the richest women on planet earth. Let's try not to let our judgement be beclouded by the fact that Oprah openly shows affection, compassion and understanding to all peoples. White or black; good or bad; skinny or fat; gay or straight. Let's also forget that the accuser, according to the tabloids, is Steadman.

Now we have all heard of Steadman. We've called him names. Gold-digger, perpetrator, sad excuse for a man, pussy-whipped, whatever. Now, like Kanye West, I aint saying he's a gold-digger, but that dude sure as hell ain't messin with no broke bitches. They've been dating for like 20 years now. 20 long-ass years and apparently, the only reason they haven't been married is he doesn't wanna sign himself away and be second fiddle to the richest most influential woman in the world. Are you fucking kidding me?

Last time I checked my Omega Speedmaster, we lived in the year 2006. An era where gender-equality is becoming less and less of a theory and more of a reality in American homes. A period where men (real men) are actually not frazzled by the concept of their wives being the bread-winner. I know in Oprah's case, she's winning the bread, the soup, and the crackers, but hey... shit happens right. So if they aren't married after 20 years, there's more to it than, Steadman's male ego.

Who knows though? What would make a couple stay together for 20 years and not take the next step? Maybe Oprah is gay? Maybe Oprah is straight? Maybe Oprah is straight and Steadman just cant work the middle and now she's gay? Maybe they are both into bondage? The bottom line is its none of our business. She's come out and claimed that there's no truth to the claims. That just because she's close to Gayle, doesn't mean they are getting tips from Ellen on how to improve their sex life. people can be friends without being sexual.

But society wont accept that. For the same reason why we find it odd that Steadman and Oprah aren't married yet. Because society feels that's the norm. People cant just date and keep us wondering for 20 years. they have to tie the knot at some point. If society feels something should happen and it doesn't, then somethings wrong with the people. On the flip side, if society feels something shouldn't happen and it does, then its the same shit. Just cos society cant fathom why a woman would be so close with another woman, we start making incredulous assumptions. But hasn't Oprah earned the right to be gay?

This is a woman who has done so much to change the world she lives in. Granted, its a lot easier to make a difference in people's lives when you have a 12 figure bank balance, it still takes a conscious effort and a genuine sense of caring. This is a woman who really loves to make people happy, not because it makes her happy or because she wants ratings or she's trying to repay a debt to society. She does it out of the goodness of her heart. But we still feel we need to know if she's gay or straight.

You know what? this is my personal advice to Oprah. It seems regardless of how much good you do and how much of a great person you are, people will talk shit about you. I used to think at some point people were beyond reproach, but apparently not. So do what I do, say "Fuck off!!!". You don't need to explain your sexuality to anyone. Its your life and your bedroom. You can do whatever with whomever (well, as long as their 18. They let Michael off. Let's not push it!). If it makes you happy, that's all that matters. you've put smiles on a lotta people's faces and if you need some smiles yourself, (or moans, or sighs, or frenetic leg-jerking) then go out there and get em! You're Oprah, for cryin' out loud!

Everyday should be Mother's Day

Well, what do you know? Once again the time is nigh. It’s time for us to engage in the craziness of another crazy hallmark holiday. Here goes the crazy hustle and bustle, last minute shopping, people running helter-smelter to grab gifts and coupons and all that. All in the name of Mother’s Day. Is it really necessary? Let’s analyze for a sec.

OK, yeah your mum brought you in the world and its cool to appreciate her for all her pain and suffering you put her through [and don’t even front, because each and every one of us did]. But like every other hallmark holiday, should there really be just one day set aside to love our mothers? I think not.

We all give crazy excuses. Too busy. Too swamped. Meetings up the yin-yang. Deadlines. Conference calls. Vacations. Family. Grand kids. All reasons why our lives are so deathly occupied and why we can’t be there for and spend time with our mothers more often. And all the more reason, why when that special hallmark holiday comes, we should plan ahead and do something “special” for her. Bear in mind that special usually means some new pots or pans or oven mittens or yarn for knitting or some other such “motherly” gift! That’s supposed to be special???

Here’s someone, who, practically for the first 4 years of your life was there at your beck and call. Food, water, clothes, showers, doodies, all that stuff she did for you and never complained. It was cool those 4 years because for the most part you didn’t really do much to piss her of but cry and cry and stay up late when she wanted to sleep. But then came the wonder years. The years when you started to sprout and walk and talk and throw tantrums. That’s when things got a tad crazy!

Now, just for the record, it’s necessary to point out here that I was one of the very few “good kids” out there [psyche]. On the other hand, I’ve seen some devils out there. You’ve seen them. At the mall. In the grocery store. In a restaurant. On the street. In church. Basically throwing tantrums and acting up in a major way. Sometimes it’s a small pout and shrug of the shoulder or shake of the head. But sometimes it’s just unbelievable how some of these kids can scream and cry. But did she give up on you just because you threw tantrums? Did she send you off to scream camp to tone down your tonsils? Did she put a leash on your neck and a muzzle on your lips? Did she tie you up by your ankles and string u up for your tantrum tears to dry? I’d like to think the answer is NO. [If however, the answer to any or all of these questions is yes…. Well…. You’re probably really messed up and in a padded room]

After the wonder years came what I like to call the “buy me” years. Those years when every kid wants everything they see. Whether or not they already own it, it’s useful, or it works. Its like “Mother, can I have ….” Or “Hey mum, will you buy me …”. Now unless you were balling outta control, then chances are she didn’t buy you every one of those random inconsequential demands. But I am sure she bout you some. Just to make you happy and see a smile on your face!

And then after you grew taller than her, came the “Why should I” years. You know it. She told you to do something or told you not to do something and you thought to yourself… “Hmm I’m taller than her. She can’t tell me what to do. Why should I?” Sometimes the good sense deep within us overpowers the silly thought that just because we ate an abundant amount of bean sprouts or yams, and obtained a vertical advantage in the process, we ceased to be children and acquired the privilege of talking back. But for few of us out there, we actually did talk back, and we have the beat-down scars to prove it.[hey, I don’t know about you, but my parents were African, and to them, a parental beat-down was no grounds for the Child Care people to visit].

I guess you’re getting an idea of what your mums went through for you [if ever you had forgotten or let it slip your mind]. All through high school, college, and beyond, when your Dad acted up and almost kicked you out for going out past your curfew. Or when she walked in on the neighbor’s daughter sucking on your fingers [and by fingers, I mean …] Or when you wrecked her weekend car. Or when you threw a house party and thrashed the house so badly you all had to stay in a hotel for a week for the cleaning crew to restore normalcy. Through all of this, she stood by you. Maybe reprimanding, maybe punishing, maybe taking away certain privileges, but always always and always loving you unconditionally. And you are going to sit there and subscribe to the idea that there should be only ONE day out of 365 where you make out time and shower your mum with love and affection???

I don’t care if you are the CEO of Microsoft or the bottommost bellboy at Red Roof Inn. There is always something you can do, today, tomorrow and everyday for your mum. A phone-call here, an email there. Hand picked roses. Spending the weekend together. Going to the movies. Shopping together. Recitals for your kids together. Poems. Going over for dinner. And sometimes just keeping promises.

Some of you may have seen that commercial on TV where this grandma cooks this lovely meal and gets all dressed up and sits at a table alone waiting for her grandson to come hang out or something. But the grandson was apparently stoned and forgot to go. Imagine one day being that grandma. Being stood up not by a date, because if it’s a date you can get pissed off and never call them again. But being stood up by someone you love and you’ll always love and worrying and wondering and just feeling so alone. Imagine that! That’s how your mum or grandma feels when you call her on Sunday afternoon after she’d missed church in the morning because she was waiting for you to show up. All because you were hung-over after getting fucked up on Saturday night with your “buddies”.

The smallest things count. I remember the first time I made my mum cry good tears. I was probably like 12 or 13 and it was mother’s day and we were all getting her some painting or something like that… [who knows]… but then I bought one of those blank cards and copied the lyrics to “A Song for Mama” by Boyz To Men. I gave her the card and watched her read it and she smiled the biggest smile ever and I could see happy tears in her eyes. [bear in mind she didn’t know the song, so it was a new thing to her]. That probably in total cost me two pounds. But she loved it. The painting we got? Her leaving a ball when she was 18. Cost 245 pounds. It never got hung up!!! Just goes to show!

Blank Card…………….. 1:50 pounds

Colored ink pens………..0.50 pounds

Writing lyrics…………...0.00 pounds

Oil Painting…….………..245 pounds

The look on your mum’s face when she gets something she appreciates…… Priceless!!!

I’m not saying don’t get your mum anything on Sunday. I’m not against doing something special for your mum or being extra caring towards her. Just don’t make it a one-day thing. Make her feel special 24/7/365. Every little drop counts. But on Sunday, you better do something kick-ass for her! It’s fucking Mother’s day for goodness sake!!!

Dating Tips: How To Keep A Man

I read on a friend's page that she had become disgruntled with getting the short end of the stick repeatedly from guys in relationships. I felt compelled to write a reply and offer some advice to ladies out there. I must apologize on behalf of the entire male species. But the truth of the matter is, it is much beyond our power and control.

The male, by nature is predatory and has a short attention span. It is in his nature to roam and chase and see what else is out there for him. If you look at male dogs and female dogs, you'd notice that when you feed them both at the same time, the female sticks to her dish and completes the meal. but the male tastes his dish and goes to any other dish that's filled to taste or try and see what they have. Same with lions when hunting. Even if a lion has a full meal, any other prey that ventures around a lion will be chased down and dragged back to the initial carcass. This type of behavior is not only for animals. Men also naturally are never satisfied with what they have. We always want bigger or better cars, bigger bank accounts, bigger dicks... etc. Its just in our very nature to want more.

Now, when it comes to relationships, it becomes the same scenario. We see someone we want, we go after them, we get to know them, go out, find things we mutually like or dislike, click on a higher level, somewhere along these lines, we get intimate, the sex is great, there is a beautiful connection on a whole bunch of levels and it just seems like this is the real deal. But then nature kicks in. Either inherently, we start to get bored or we start noticing external things that are available to us. Girls start being nice and paying us compliments. We start getting offers of sex and more. At first we treat this with a laugh and a brush aside. And then slowly, it gets to us. We start imagining if we could really creep and see whats out there. After all, what she doesn't know wont hurt her. Sometimes we go through with it, sometimes we don't. This is when strength of character [or lack there-of] comes in.

There are two types of people. Those who when presented with opportunities for mischief take such opportunities, and those who have the will power to make moral and conscience-driven decisions. Sadly, there are more in the first group than in the second. A lot of men decide to either creep and cheat on their girlfriend, with the hope that they are not caught. Sometimes, the guilt of it is enough to get them to stop and never do it again. Other times, the guilt and the possibility of getting caught is in itself a drive and motivator to do it again and again and again until it becomes a part of them. Either way, they start inventing reasons to rationalize their wayward and immoral acts. The easiest way is to find faults in the real girlfriend. fake arguments, fights, broken promises and all what not. Eventually, they break up a good thing for the greed that lives in them and which they allow to consume them.

I have asked a lot of girls that seem to have a handle on their men. Men that I have known to be players in every sense of the word. men who never could commit and now are in great relationships and loving it. i have asked their girls what the secret is and how they manage to keep the men interested after years. The result seems so simple that it seems every woman should already know it.

I have already conceded that all men are greedy s-o-b's who can hardly manage to keep their dicks in their pants. Cutting their dicks off is definitely not the solution. So all those women who have wanted to do this, you can put those knives away. Even though men are known to look outside, they only do so at a certain point. And the simple solution is to never let them reach that point. Usually, the point is reached when a man starts getting bored in his present relationship. there are a bunch of ways to address this issue, but I will start at the root: the connection that sparked the relationship.

A lot of people get into a relationship before they know about a person. i agree that sometimes, its fun to find out new things about someone every day, but this rule only works when the things u find out are cute, lovable things. Like the dimple on her left ass-cheek, or the way she sits when she pees, or the half curve her lips make when she smiles, or the way when he says he has to wash his hands cos he's border-line OCD, you just know he's just going in the bathroom to fart, but doesn't wanna kill u with his stink bomb, or the way he runs up behind you and hugs you from behind, or the way he waits for you to fall asleep first so he can watch you sleep. But when you find out distasteful stuff like the fact that he picks his toe nails with his teeth, or that she is deathly jealous of any female around you including your relatives, or that he smokes weed more than Snoop, or that she shops harder than the girls on Sweet Sixteen, then it makes you wanna get out of the situation. And when one person opts out, the other person doesn't understand why they don't take them for who they are. Uhh.. i don't know about u, but i don't wanna be kissing a girl who just picked her toe nails with her teeth!

So basically, the first rule in keeping a relationship is making sure you really know the person and let them know you. No pretenses, no lies, no untruths. its acceptable to embellish, and distort when you are just drunk and need a guy to lay the pipes on you for the night or ride someone like a fourth of July roller coaster. But if you are planning on something real, then just lay it all on the table. if he doesn't like it, then too bad. No matter how bad it is, there is someone out there who will understand and love you just as you are. Also, make sure the person he meets and likes and falls in love with is the same person 5 months, a year and so on down the line. Don't change and act out and throw fits when stuff gets comfortable and become this totally crazy person that he cant stand or put up with. Doing this would be giving him reasons to feel unloved at home and look elsewhere.

Some might argue, "How do I know after just meeting a guy whether I wanna build something deep with him that will last or if I just want him to build something deep IN me for the night. Well, its plain and simple. Stop being such a bloody horny skank whore and cross those legs for like 30 minutes and you might have a fucking clue.

Moving on.... The next key element to keeping a man from wandering is holding his attention. Basically, this can be interpreted as rationing out your goodies. A lot of men get bored when they've done everything they ever dreamt of with you and its starting to get old. Basically, you have to introduce him slowly while keeping him interested. This element of attention has to be used hand in hand with the element of innovation. I'll break this down for you if you are getting confused. With attention, you want to get him to discover things about you on a sexual level slowly. basically, get him to like you well enough before you show him the freaky side of you. All men like freaks. We want our wives to be freaks. But when we discover a girl is a freak too early, we misinterpret it as her being a hoe! No one wants a hoe. When you suck his dick right after he emerges from fucking u in the ass, two hours after you met him, then I'm not saying you're a hoe, but you have hoe-ish tendencies!

So the crux of the Attention-Innovation combination is that you get him to like you intellectually and connect with his mind and then let him connect with your body. Its as simple as that. And then after this physical connection is made, then innovate new ways to keep him wowed out in bed. While also doing things outside of bed that he finds fun and outgoing. Men want a best friend as a girlfriend. Some one they can take around the guys, and who they can just chill with if they want to. But can also fuck their brains out when need be! if a woman can be all these, and a man still leaves her, then one of two things have occurred. Either she didn't really get to know him before things got physical, or he lied his way into her heart and then became real.

All in all, it may seem that the onus of keeping a relationship going is on the woman. You all might argue that I make it seem like its all on her. I guess this is the price women have to pay for having the Insurmountable power in choosing relationships. Women get to choose they guys they want. Guys have to win the women they want over.

Some women may argue that this isn't true and they have as much power as men do in starting a relationship. I beg to disagree. Women DO have the power in choosing relationships. Under the condition that the initial intention of the alliance was to engage in a relationship. In the case that this never was the plan. Then no one has the power and no one can change what the other believes in. NO MATTER HOW HARD THEY TRY! I also said men have to work for "what they want". This transcends beyond relationships. We all work for what we want, when we want it. If however, we do not need something, then the contrary is the case. we chill and do whatever.

Well, I guess if you have the option of choosing something, you should take your time and choose something you really want. And if you really want something, then nothing should be too much to keep it! So its all good!

I am sure some of you have heard of the phrase, "You cant turn a hoe into a housewife". Well, the same goes for men. You cant turn a Porsche into a Pontiac. Porsche's are made for speed and are great to look at and drive for a weekend or to park in the garage. But if you really want something for the long haul, that's gonna be safe and take home to visit your parents, then stick to the Pontiac. This means... for those of you who have no clue what an analogy is, if a guy is already hell-bent in his ways as a player and enjoys the entire realm and euphoria of being a man-whore, then it is almost impossible to change him and these methods will NOT work.

You cant keep hoping and praying he's gonna change and that he's gonna love you one day. if you want someone to love you just as you are, with your goods and your bads, and your smiles and your frowns, and your compliments and your nagging, and your tears, and worries, and everything that is you, all rolled into one beautiful, sensual, loving, insightful, sensitive, complex and adorable being then find someone you can love just as they are. And if you can't, then walk away! If you feel that you have a lot to offer and feel you are not being appreciated, whether its in a family, a job, a friendship or a relationship. if you truly are convicted in the fact that you can get something else somewhere else, and get something much better than what they are experiencing, then there is only one choice. Look out for yourself!

I hope these few words are able to help people out there. In Love, and in Life... Stay Real!!!